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Letting Go of the Crutch

December 14, 2017

(written December 4)

I’ve been incarcerated for ten years now, and a few of my friends have passed away during that time. It’s difficult to be locked away and watch my loved ones move on from this world before I get to have a chance to be with them again.

I just received the news that my grandfather passed away (quite suddenly and unexpectedly), and

I’m deeply saddened. He was a good man and I am feeling the loss. He was scheduled to come and visit me this coming weekend, and it would have been nice to see him one last time…

I’ve done a fair amount of drugs in my lifetime and, after hearing the news of his passing, I spent a while crying and worrying about my grandmother, then I spent a while convincing myself that it would be alright if I did a little heroin and got loaded. After all, I can control it, it’d only be once, and it’d stop the sadness for a while…

After convincing myself of these lies, I spent a while reminding myself of the truth. I was using my grandpa’s death as an excuse to go out and get high and that was in no way honorable to his memory. For so many years, I used drugs as a crutch, and it’s really time to let go of that crutch; in fact, I haven’t used heroin in over two years, and I’ve only used meth once in the last ten years about four years ago…

Old habits, old ways of thinking creep insidiously into my life and that proves the importance of vigilance, standing fast and standing strong. I did not use any drugs, and I didn’t even waste my time inquiring about where to get any…

I am grateful for the friends and family who have been there for me during this time, and I am grateful to be able to be there for them, despite the difficulties we face with my incarceration. My grandfather, Riley, was a good man, 6’ 6” tall with long arms; he gave great hugs. He told jokes and he was living life the way he wanted. I know that he was content and happy while he was with us, and I couldn’t really ask for more.

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5 Comments
  1. Margie permalink

    So glad you didn’t succumb to that temptation…

    Like

  2. I’ve had occasion to work at not falling for the drug trap each time I hit a wobble. Sorry for your loss. It’s hard. Very hard. Be as well as can be. Much regard!

    Like

  3. Laura Broyles permalink

    Sorry for your loss. We all loved Riley and will muss him. My husband was friends with him when they worked together in Oklahoma years ago. Riley was one of those people who never neglects or lets go of a friend, so we kept up with him and Margie all these years even tho we were living far apart. Every time we were able to visit ‘in person’, their friendship was still good. Whenever you hit a low place in your life, Riley, and every other lived one in your life, will be sitting right there next to you, wrapping his arms around you, to hold you up and keep you strong on the right path. He won’t leave or forget you. I don’t know if you have a bible to read, however it might help for words of strength and inspiration.

    Like

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