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Destruction vs. Creation

February 11, 2016

Sometimes all I feel is pain in this world of violence, hate, and rage. I want to rip and tear shit apart the way this feeling is ripping and tearing me apart inside.

It’s times like these when I must be very still, very quiet, and very careful. I know where this hurt can lead—to destruction or creation. It’s a very fine line between them.

I could slide back to using drugs. In fact, somebody offered to get me high on heroin the other day. I wanted to do it as I sat and recalled the ritual. Drawing it up in the syringe, my blood filling the barrel when it enters the vein. Emptying the syringe in my arm and closing my eyes as the opiates flood my brain and euphoria washes over me. Sounds good, but it’s not as good as it sounds. Not really. I said, “No, thank you.”

I could beat myself down and destroy myself with this hurt. Have I not been there before?

Or I can learn and grow stronger. I can write and express myself. I can maintain dignity in the face of adversity. I’ve got one goal, and it’s to get out of prison. Sometimes I look at the next 16 years as 16 more years wasted, as 16 long, fucking years. It’s hard not to feel a little helpless and hopeless at times.

Sometimes I look at the next 16 years as ample opportunity to do positive in a world of negative and gain as much as I can to prove to the board I’m ready to go back to life on the outside. I’ve dug quite a hole for myself these last eight years, so now I’m trying to gather the building blocks to climb out of it. It takes every bit of strength I have not to fall into past patterns of self destruction.

Now, I choose to create.

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