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Hospital Update—Medications

June 8, 2015

I spent a lot of years in my youth on different medications, none of which seemed to work and, on occasion, made things worse. It’s no question, I have a “chemical imbalance” and sometimes I wonder if life’s suffering can cause this condition, and if so, how many others have an undiagnosed imbalance caused by suffering. Do medications help in this case? I think probably not. I’m on three meds now: 200 mg of Zoloft, 80 mg (40 twice daily) of Geodon, and 10 fluid ml of Depakote in the morning, 20 ml at night.

The Zoloft is an antidepressant, the Geodon is an antipsychotic, and the Depakote , in my case, is a mood stabilizer used for impulse control. Anymore medications and I’m really going to feel like one who flew over the cuckoo’s nest. Seriously.

Out of all the meds prescribed to me over the years, I’ve never been give a combination of these three. By the time a doctor tried to prescribe Depakote for me, I wasn’t interested. It wasn’t until I beat the shit out of myself, and they got a court order for medications that I was willing to work with the doctor. If I hadn’t, they’d just force me to take shots. Anyway, I believe the Depakote is working. I don’t seem to be as mercurial and impulsive to act on my moods. I’ve actually noticed that certain situations that might have sent my temper flaring before aren’t affecting me as severely. This is good news. My depression has been more mild, but then that always comes and goes.

Here in the hospital, I have a good psychologist, and we spend an hour talking every other Wednesday at noon. This is a woman I’m actually comfortable talking to and I have found our sessions to be productive. It’s fun to explore intellectual depths as opposed to the automatic responses some doctors tend to give. I also find the consistency helpful, as well as being away from the noise of a general population prison.

I also feel that being away from general prison has been beneficial to my writing. I’m 1/3 through with my autobiography now, and I have learned things in group about drug abuse and mental illness that I’ve been able to incorporate into the story. It was just time to write the story, and although I get emotional at times as I write, I find it a cathartic experience.

For the first time in a long time, I think things might be alright, but only with a certain amount of trepidation do I say this.


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