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Major Meltdown, New Meds, Yearning

April 4, 2015

Last month, I had a “major meltdown” as prison personnel are calling it. Crying and screaming and punching the walls until my knuckles were bruised and swollen. I had been depressed, sleeping, and not eating, and I stopped taking all my meds. Staff filed a court motion to put put me on an “involuntary medication order” (Keyhea PL2602 petition), which means that if I refuse to take my medication, they can force me to take it with a shot. I’m not on the Zyprexa anymore, because It was giving me too many side effects. It was making me exhausted and suicidal and confused. I couldn’t even remember if I ate dinner or not. Now I’m on the max dose of my anti-depressant, Effexor. I’ve started a new anti-psychotic, Geodon, and a mood stabilizer, Depakote. I believe my mother was on Depakote, so maybe that one will work for me.

The reason staff filed the PL2602, which was granted, is because I refused all of my meds, and as my depression got worse, I started to go into a psychosis, so states the report. I was telling the staff if they were out to get me, then come on and get me, don’t do it behind my back with paperwork. Apparently, I kept trying to get this one male staff to fight me, and I asked one lady if she hates me and wants to kill me. Finally, they came in and gave me a shot to sedate me. The weird part about that is at that point, I was laying on my bed crying and looking at pictures. According to the report, I was acting in a way that was dangerous to myself and some of the staff were afraid also. I guess they didn’t want to chance me starting up again.

I hate myself for being locked up. I know my little brother needs me, and if he fails school, I don’t know how I’ll react. I know that if I were there, I could keep him on track. He wouldn’t have quit football if I was there, because I’d have had him at the park practicing and in love with it. Just like before when I used to take him and his sister on trips to the library and the park. I worry all the time about my mother relapsing, because that’ll be the end of it. I pray all the time that she realizes how important her sobriety is. In N. A., they always say “do it for you.” Fuck that, most of us addicts haven’t been too good at caring for ourselves. Do it for those kids, their lives are but a budding rose, which we must feed and nurture.

I loved taking my siblings to the park. A bunch of kids knew me, and their parents did too. I was 20 years old running around like a 10 year old, flying off of swings and climbing over jungle gyms. We used to have this contest: who could swing the highest and jump the furthest. We used to run all over the field playing army men. When I’d get tired and pretend I was shot and dying, my brother would say, “No, come on, Sean, I saved you!” God, it felt good to “be a kid again” and to be surrounded by all that love! I always tell my brother and sister that when I get out we’ll go play on those swings again, no matter how old we are!

How could I have been such a fool?! What torment this does to my mind. I’ve met many men who have given up all that was good in their life for something trivial. Something mundane that was gone in a minute anyway. Some of us realize it and some don’t. Some will and some won’t. I always feel like it’s the people who are getting out who still want to talk about crime and the next come up. I’ve yet to meet a lifer who talks about getting out and committing another crime.

I’ve got a hell of a lot of work to do if I ever want to see the light of day again. Fuck, it’s so hard when staff can lie and get away with it, they can write you up for bullshit. I thought I was one of the strongest people I know, but I need to build mental fortitude against this system. Sometimes I feel like I’ve really lost my mind here. Apparently, the doctors do too. Look at all the meds I’m on! (It’s okay—go ahead and laugh.)

The good news is that I recently finished a short story and will be posting it soon. When I do, I hope you will read it and comment on it. I haven’t written a story in a while, so enjoy.


From → BLOG

  1. Keep writing make it your calming vise. Use it to be in the ‘Now’ to stay grounded and get you through this rough time in your life. Use it to see you thru your stay, until you walk free to the outside. Work In Progress Mystical Luna Rose.


  2. Hang in there, man. And keep writing — sometimes, our words are all we got.


  3. Yep. Thanks. It’s been a while. Good to hear from you.


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