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California Mental Health Facility

March 1, 2015

CHCF_picI’ve finally arrived at the mental hospital in Stockton. It’s a new facility, about a year old, and it seems nice, but I’m not sure about the programs yet. Seems I’ll be here 6-9 months. I’ve had a bit of a rough start— a few mood swings; dealing with my depression, anxiety, and temper, adjusting to a new environment. And a lack of hope, thinking “25 to life? why should I even try?” Is a there a window on the future? with a sliver of light showing through its dusty panels? A window that I can one day open and crawl through ( forget the door) into a green field of life? or forever will I walk this tunnel of shadows, playing the most grotesque game of characters, skulduggery to my eyes? the angel with black wings hovering above me, waiting to swoop and collect my soul, leaving flesh where it lay? Well… who knows?

I saw the phychiartrist who will be working with me, and he upped my depression meds from 150 to 225 mg and prescribed an anti-anxiety med, that is actually a heart med (beta blocker), and suggested the anti-psychotic med Zyprexa. Im very dubious about that one, because I was on it when I was younger and I didn’t like it, but I agreed to give it a shot and work with them. My diagnosis is major depression, reoccurring, severe with psychotic features. This means my depression can be dark at times and in the darkest of times I can sort of lose touch.

The good news is this place has a music group where I’ll be able to play the acoustic guitar! I’ll have to do all my writing by hand, no typewriter allowed, but I’ve got time, and it’s a bit more peaceful then CDC. I’ll have to earn my radio by “programming,” that is, going out and participating in group and stuff. Soon I’ll be able to use the phone as well, so I’ll be able to call home. Visits are going to be postponed for a while, but my plan is still to try and get transferred down to Donovan after I finish here. In the words of the great Layne Stayley of Alice in Chains, “I don’t ask for Heaven, but something’s got to turn out right.”


From → BLOG

One Comment
  1. Being able to write and play…your sliver of light. I know that you will embrace and use it to the fullest. Best wishes.


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