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Moving, Complaints, Depression

February 23, 2015

Lately, I’m not doing so great. I went to CTC (Correctional Treatment Center), because I’ve been so depressed, and have been having anxiety attacks. It seems like one messed up thing happens after another. Why is it, as they say, all good things must end? But the pain seems to last forever. Why can I not accept that there is anything good re my life?

The long term mental hospital is backed up right now, and the prison officials are thinking of sending me to the short term facility, then transferring me to long term when a place opens up. Therapy has been rough, getting into some stuff I haven’t ventured into before. I’ve been angry and depressed. just crying a lot, sometimes screaming. It’s amazing to me I’m even sane at all anymore.

I’m just frustrated and overwhelmed, I just kind of lose it sometimes. Sick of this dude on the tier talking about how he’s going to be a pimp after he finishes his 18 years and is out of prison. Sick of this other dude who likes to have late night conservations on the tier about he whipped his baby mama’s ass and left the kids alone she went to get the cops, and CPS took the kids after she grabbed his crack and gun and left… but what could I do? he wants to know. Sick of the bullshit I constantly find myself waist deep in.

One time that I lost it, I was at the dentist and yawned. He started nagging at me in this whiny, condescending voice and speaking to me rudely. I tried to ignore it but he wouldn’t quit. When he said “You need to shut your mouth and remain quiet, I’m actually trying to work here, and I don’t care if you are bored.” When I told him I just yawned, he said I yawned in a “loud and unnatural way.” I lost it then and cussed him out. As a result, I got written up for disrespect to staff with no mention of how he was treating me.

People seem to nit pick when I’m angry and depressed and want to be left alone, or maybe, it’s just my perception. I’m not even supposed to be in Ad-Seg anymore. My time has been up for two months and yet I haven’t been moved. My request to be moved to Donovan in San Diego in order to be closer to family has been denied.

I’ve just been messed up lately and messing up, but I should be on my way to the mental hospital any day now. That’s been the story the last couple of weeks, but I’m still here. I’ll go through the hospital program, then hope I can move closer to family, get my guitar and typewriter back, and get back in the groove, or at least, try to feel better, try and get some good things done. Who knows?

The only good news is I wrote this poem. Let me know what you think.
“Ring Around the Rosies”

Thoughts of death are the black plague
Rotting the flesh of my sanity
Scorched skeletons in the streets
Flower petals adorn the wastelands in fickle attempt
to mask the odor of decay
But only another example of beauty torn, wilted and moribund.

The depressed and morbid skies swallow the light
Tears fall like rain
The earth rumbles and shakes
The noise in my head!
A storm is brewing within
The voices of children singing, drowned by the wailing wind
Simplistic joys, nascent sobs
They never seem to end.

Ashes, ashes, we all fall down.


From → BLOG, Poetry

One Comment
  1. amelia waterfall permalink

    I wish I could take the pain away…


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