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False Gods

October 8, 2014

The poem below is a song I wrote about the times I tried to kill my mental pain by shooting up heroin. Opiate addiction is very serious. While the drug does not alter neuro-pathways in your brain, it is physically addictive, and someone who’s hooked enough can die just trying to get off it. There are people who shoot up entire grams just to get well: this means they don’t really get high anymore, but they are so addicted that the body needs the heroin just to function. If they don’t get it, they get sick—throwing up, sweating, restless sleep. While I got pretty messed up on heroin, I thank God I never wound up this far down. In the words of Alice Cooper, “Using heroin is like saying, okay I am going to die.” Music is my way of dealing with the problems in my life and staying sane. In fact, music is my life.

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False Gods

I’m feeling all fucked up againicetar
When will this pain ever end?
My head spins in circles
My thoughts fade into nothing
That I can understand
So I shove it back down again
where it belongs
Still I can’t help but wonder
Where I went wrong

I’m having so much trouble
trying to find a reason
Veil over my eyes
In search of something to believe in
Pray to my false gods
“Please take this pain away”
I feel the needle tear
That old familiar sting
And if you’re really there then I won’t feel a thing

My head spins in circles
My thoughts fade into nothing
That I can understand
So I shove it back down again
where it belongs
Still I can’t help but wonder
Where I went wrong

I wear my crown of thorns
Nail me to the cross
Crucified when I was born
But all I feel is lost
Why have you forsaken me
To burn in this Hell?
Feel my soul be torn away
From this empty shell

I’m feeling all fucked up again
When will this pain ever end?
My head spins in circles
My thoughts fade into nothing
That I can understand
So I shove it back down again
where it belongs
Still I can’t help but wonder
Where I went wrong.

Posted for  dVerse Poets, Poetics, October 14, 2014

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From → Art, BLOG, Songs

18 Comments
  1. Such beauty in the midst of the darkness…keep fighting, keep writing. 🙂

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  2. So first keep up the writing, keep up the songs.. if it keeps you off that stuff the music is the best music in the world.

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  3. a felt an honest song… heroin is a devilish thing and i know some people that didn’t escape… music is a cool way to deal with problems…i have some songs that in certain phases of my life felt like there were written just for me

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  4. ah, yes. I’ve watched wayyy too many drug addiction documentaries; so I know of the affects it has…. it takes some guts to put such honesty up here. Music is lifesaving, and the greatest thing to be addicted to… great lyrics

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  5. Hard place to be–and such an honest write!

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  6. heroin is a hard dragon to ride man…music def is good therapy…as much as writing…as we can relate to the feelings….and to one another…

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  7. This is a powerful write for sure. Good for you to face it with an honest face.

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    • The only way to face it is straight on with complete honesty. The truth hurts, but lies don’t feel any better.

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  8. Well written and very evocative. Stay strong.

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  9. keep fighting – that you are here is a great accomplishment – I like the honesty in this, it can’t be faked.

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  10. Word can help us heal. Poetry even more so.

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  11. To me there are no words that can adequately describe the pain of addiction and the numb soul that can fuel this addiction..

    I was forced on a heavy regimen of Ativan to even sleep during a five year stay with a horrible pain disorder that took all emotions away.. and left me understanding truly why people cut themselves when they no longer feel their soul….

    And yes.. i was terrifyingly addicted.. as for one short circle of seconds.. when that pill entered my mouth.. i could talk and connect a little to my wife.. but yes.. briefly.. only and soon to exit.. once again.. into unrelenting hell.. the power of addiction.. is the glimpse back into heaven….

    But perhaps the hardest part of all.. is for those.. who even logically cannot remember there WAS a heaven of connection to people.. overall nature.. and beauty too!

    Or perhaps due to childhood abuse or even innate factors have never felt this connection.. that some folks refer to as GOD.. and i’ll just use the words of Mother Nature True.. as it is ONE and SAME to me….

    No one should ever doubt that this is truly the struggle of what they call ‘JOB’.. losing everything to addiction.. certainly does not pale to reality.. in truth…

    My hopes and wishes.. are that you continue control in POWERFUL WILL to stay strong.. in the fight for life.. where death in life.. is not too far from metaphor for…

    the power of addiction…

    Smiles and hope you do.. have a great day too..:)

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    • I was intrigued that you related the story of Job to drug addiction. That’s cool. I’ve read that story a couple of times. Addiction is a craving that seems incapable of being sated Drugs dramatically change people and their characters. Morals go out the window. Emotions are crippled. I’ve written a few poems and songs about drugs. Either my own experiences using or as a child with parents who were using. Thank you for commenting. Have a good one.

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Powerful piece of song writing here- you can feel the pain and anguish.

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  13. You piece shows your inner struggle and at least part of those thoughts resonated with mine as well. Music is the answer to freedom – well written.

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  14. Such an honest post and poem…

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  15. Such a poignant and starkly honest piece of writing. Stay well.

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