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Feeling Like Shit

September 26, 2013

I feel like shit today. Shit is stinky and nasty and waste. I feel like shit today. I hate myself. I’ve got to fix this. I don’t really want to feel like shit all day and for the rest of my life. I’m a liar. I lie to make myself feel better, then the lie fades and I feel like shit. I feel like beating the hell out of myself. I’m not going to. Not now. Not today. So, what the fuck is wrong with me? Something, something, something, nothing. Everything’s kinda fucked up.

You know, I like Nirvana, especially that song “Lithium”… “I’m so happy, cus today I found my friends, they’re in my head. I’m so ugly, that’s okay cus so are you…” It’s a good song –short, but a jewel.

My sisters probably don’t like the fact I talk so bad about Jerilyn (our paternal grandmother who adopted the girls), when Jerilyn treated them so well. Jerilyn used to isolate me like hell. I was rarely, rarely allowed outside, not allowed to stay out after school, and when we were homeschooled, she made me do my schoolwork at the door of the attic while the girls did their schoolwork under her aegis in the living room. That’s why I like being alone a lot of the time. Plus having a lot people around annoys me sometimes, and I don’t really like crowds. When I am outside, I move around a lot.

There was NO justification for what I did to get put in Ad Seg that last time. I guess I forgot I wasn’t in the real world. I still feel like shit about it and kinda weak, because I let my mind be distorted by this life or lack thereof. I guess I’ve got to learn from and accept my fate. Like Dave Mustain said in a song, “There’s a war inside my head, I take a day off and I’ll be dead…” I really don’t need to be causing anymore problems in my life and in my head than I already have. I just want to do my writing, my out-of-tune singing, and exercise and play sports when I’m allowed back outside. (I’ve been suspended from going out to yard for 90 days.)

I’ve just found the group Audioslave. That’s a sick name. Their music is pure poetry. There’s this line I like:
“Staring at the loss
Looking for a cause
I’m never really sure.”

Anyway, I’m out of here.

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