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August 12, 2013

We destroy ourselves in so many ways… I can’t help thinking that life is a slow suicide. Look at the bombs that nations build. Look in the papers and you will find countries, nations, states, cities at war with each other and themselves… We destroy each other and we destroy ourselves, and it seems that we can not resist this destruction.

destructI am in a place where one hears much boasting about the destruction one person has caused to another. I am in a place where self destruction seems inevitable. No matter where you are, every day that passes is a day that nudges you closer to the last.

Sometimes I don’t understand why people care. I guess it’s something that some people can’t help. We always want to change what we can’t. We always want the most that which we can not have. Sometimes people want to change the world. That’s foolish. Also, thoughtful and caring, but mostly foolish. It’s difficult enough to change ourselves without worrying about the rest of the torn societies. Look at California, a state with the largest prison population. That sure as hell doesn’t seem to be helping anything. I’m not sure really where I was going with that thought, but it rose to the top. I guess they can keep tightening the screws of the law, and putting people into prison, and creating longer sentences for criminals, but it’s not going to change the fact that crimes will be committed everyday across the state. As my grandma said after my grandpa’s bike was stolen, “ Guess our neighborhood isn’t as crime-free as we thought.”

Thinking about what I am writing, it seems to be discursive and without a point, so I guess it’s just a bunch of random thoughts — worthless ones at that.

“Mankind” has been destroying itself since the beginning of time.

Sometimes the urge in me to destroy is so fucking strong I can’t believe it or understand it. I guess because so much seems pointless. Maybe it is and maybe it isn’t. But it seems so now more than ever. Now that I am serving life in prison. How could everything not be pointless? Oh well… I’ll continue everyday to destroy myself just a little while the world does the same out there, and eventually, I will die, and eventually, so will the world.

When I began writing this I thought that I had a good idea for some profound and good article, but that looks like a false notion to me now. Anyway, on to some more random thoughts:

Something I did realize: The reason I want to cut and burn myself sometimes is not just to distract myself from the internal pain. Actually, that’s probably the most cliche reason and the smallest reason for me. Today, when I was looking in the mirror, I had this thought of cutting my face with a razor. I guess that I just want to appear on the outside as I do on the inside. Something along those lines. Oh well. I doubt that this made any sense or was worth reading… here it is anyway…


From → Art, BLOG

  1. I can’t help but to agree. The post actually makes perfect sense. We were all born to die and we all die in our own way sooner or later. This is a truth, but in the midst of your personal problems, honesty is NOT one of them which is why your writing is so pure. I have expressed some deep shit on my blog, but have never completely opened up like you – I admire that. We can’t change the world, and sometimes not even ourselves so I guess my thing is to simply not live in vain by doing whatever it is that we do to accomplish some meaning to an ending life.


    • Maybe that’s why I write and haven’t killed myself. I’ve been so suicidal that I have planned it out and written the suicide note. Then I rewrite it. And rewrite it. The note never come out right. It feels like I haven’t said it right or enough, so I’ve still got more to say — like with my other writings.


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