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Death and I Flirt Redact

July 27, 2013

Thanks to Talicha J., http://talichaj.com, for her comments and critique of my poem “Death and I Flirt.” I edited the poem according to her advice and liked the way it turned out! I had originally thought this poem was one of those times where redundancy actually worked. I made a few other minor changes and here is the new version.

Death and I Flirt Redact
by Sean Michael

The thought of death is like a razor, pristine and sharp,
awaiting the taste of blood on it edge.
Like a bullet, reposed in the chamber of a gun, and
pressed against my head.
The thought of death is like a sturdy rope, twisted into an expert
hangman’s noose.
Like fifty pills rattling in a bottle, a full syringe,
glistening needle.
The thought of death is like a high bridge, breeze caressing
my face, feet precarious on the ledge.
Like sheets of silk on a freshly made bed.
The thought of death is louder than before,
and beginning to make sense.
The thought of death has enthralled my mind.

Dream & Death  by Neil Caiman, The Sandman

Dream & Death by Neil Caiman, The Sandman

I like to think of death as a “her.”
A woman with a pretty body and pretty face.
Irresistible in her temptations…
I sip my wine, and we flirt.
Death is a gentle yet powerful woman!
Capable of soothing the hurt.
I’ll make love to her in utter agony and ecstasy.
And as I fade, she’ll gently brush my eyelids shut,
leave her resounding kiss upon me…

She is one of those women who seem to grow more lovely with each passing day.

Posted to http://dversepoets.com/2013/07/30/openlinknight-week-107/

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From → BLOG, Poetry

3 Comments
  1. Wow great! I think it flows better and this way the reader doesn’t lose interest because they don’t know what you are going to say. Before the pattern made it predictable. Now I don’t know what to expect so I’m pulled in. I of course enjoyed the original but I like this better 🙂 great poem 🙂

    Like

  2. Awesome! I agree with Talicha about the unpredictability of this piece while the actual flow (rhythm) made reading it just that much more enriching. Excellent work! 🙂

    Like

  3. nice. i like the second half below the picture…i think that is a complete poem itself…

    Like

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